If the cats can do it, so can we. We, the Cattle Brigade on Paradise Plantation have finally figured out how to use this weird contraption that the long-haired human uses to tell stories about us, and are issuing a list of Formal Complaints against the humans of Paradise Plantation. The complaints are as follows:

1) Feed rations have seriously diminished. We are no longer receiving our daily three buckets of feed. We have been reduced to two buckets every other day. Yeah, we hear your excuses.  Just because our herd has been reduced by eight and there is plenty of grass, doesn’t mean we don’t deserve it. We want the sweet stuff and lots more candy.

2) In addition to more feed, we demand watermelons, three times a day. Hey! We have four stomachs we have to fill! (Yeah, we know that’s not how it works, but it sounds good, anyway.)

3) Quit giving the corncobs to the chickens. Not only do they get the good stuff, but then they come sneaking over to our trough and trying to steal what measly rations we’re allowed.

4) You have two choices: either get rid of these biting fences so we can get to the greener grass in the other pastures and that big watering hole, or build us a private pool. It’s hot out here, and the water trough only lets us get one leg in. Plus, Suzabelle hogs it all day long, and we can’t get a turn. You don’t have to worry about us drowning in a pool any more. We still have our floaties that you bought us when it rained so much.

5) Quit taking our babies from us. Yes, we know we can see them in the next pasture, but we want them with us. Who cares if they nurse until they are eight years old. We are their mama’s, and we should have the right to keep them with us. (Besides, our throats get sore from screaming at you for five days non-stop, so if you don’t want to have to buy cow-sized throat lozenges, then give us our calves back.)

6) We want to be free-range animals, which means you need to open those stupid gates. That grass in the neighbor’s yard really needs to be mowed, and we can be good neighbors and do it for him. And as an extra bonus, they’ll get it fertilized, too. Besides, we want to see if those stories Annabelle told us are true. Is there really a pasture down there that grows Range Cubes? If so, we want our share!

If you don’t agree to our demands, just remember. No feed? No milk to make that ice cream you love so much. No watermelons? No grass mowing. Keep the fences? We’ll get our wire snips back out and get rid of them ourselves. No pool? No manure, so your garden won’t grow anymore. No corncobs? Then get ready to have no eggs, either, because we’ll start eating chicken if they come back to the troughs. No babies? Don’t plan on sleeping anytime soon.

It’s your call. You have 24 hours to respond to our demands, or the chickens get it.